Weekly Funny Stories and Fast Recipes by Kersten Campbell,the author of "Confessions of a Completely Insane Mother," the book with with the recipe for laughter. "Confessions.." is a compilation of hilarious family humor essays that will make you feel better about life. POST YOUR OWN FUNNY FAMILY STORIES OR FAST RECIPES IN THE COMMENTS SECTIONS FOR OTHERS TO READ! Have fun!
(NOTE: Recipes indexed in sidebar)
Note: Next Humor story is Aug 1st! July story posted below.
My kids love slushies in the summer, but I don't want them to have that much sugar all the time, so I came up with this substitute:
1 pkg. crystal light water
Make the crystal light lemonade according to directions. Pour in an ice cube tray and freeze. To make a slushy, place four or five lemon ice cubes in the blender and blend until crushed. You may add a tablespoon or two of water if this helps the blender do a better job of ice crushing. Or add a few strawberries or rasberries. Enjoy!
You’ve seen it in movies. You’ve seen it in books. You’ve seen it everywhere and perhaps never noticed it. It’s a humor device called “Irony” and it’s one trick that authors use to make their characters and plot lines interesting and funny. Irony is, to quote Webster’s, “a method of humorous or subtly sarcastic expression in which the intended meaning of the words used is the direct opposite of their usual sense,” for example, when someone calls a stupid plan, “clever.” That is considered irony.
When used subtly, irony can make your work more saleable, because it makes the characters more interesting and fun to read about. It makes the characters more likeable because it gives them a fault that people can relate to. Who hasn’t thought of himself as something he is really not? It also gives your work more depth. An example from my recent reading is Jonathon Stroud’s Bartimeaus Series. His genie talks like an all powerful, ferocious, intimidating, godlike creature, when all his actions indicate that he is cowardly, and not as strong or smart as he thinks he is. This makes for some hilarious and clever situations that are very fun to read about. Another example from a very popular work is Diary of a Wimpy Kid. The “wimpy kid’s” dialogue is laced with irony, making us laugh and fall in love with the character. Even the Berenstein Bears has irony. The Papa Bear is always setting himself up as an expert and he is really klutzy and not very knowledgeable. In the movie, “G-Force,” a dainty, sweet little girl tells someone if they try to put a bow in her hair they will lose a finger. This is funny.
You’ll notice irony everywhere in popular fiction and movies because it makes fiction and movies popular, and it makes the author seem clever. One caution though. It can be overused, and then it makes the author look like he is trying too hard to be funny or sarcastic.
To add irony to your work, take a good look at your character. Is he a body guard? What would be the last thing a buff and burly dude would say or do? You need to surprise your audience. Make him a germaphobe who loves decorating, or have him love something sweet and cute. In the Amelia Peabody series by Elizabeth Peters, the very intelligent and mature sounding boy uses his intelligence to invent things that cause all sorts of hilarious trouble for everyone, making us realize he is not as grown up as he thinks he is. This is the type of interesting character that leaves readers clamoring for more. Author Janette Rallison has made a name for herself lacing her character’s dialogue with irony to make what they say humorous and clever. Read some of her books to study how she does it. As you study other authors who use this device it will begin to make sense to you and you will become an expert yourself.
Note: (I had to post this one early because of summer travel! Hope you are having a great summer too!)
The Patriotic Diet
If it's true that you are what you eat, then I would be a one hundred and forty pound chocolate doughnut. I would have a cheesecake head, french fried arms, and potato chip feet. I can't help it. I love to eat junk food.
Until this morning I wondered…is it really such a crime to serve a whole box of mint chip ice cream with seven spoons at family dinner? Think of the calcium being consumed. Why, if every family upheld this beloved family tradition, osteoporosis would be virtually wiped from the face of the earth! Once again, my family's quirkiness had the potential to rid the world of a great scourge.
But then, this morning, Priscilla followed me into the bathroom. “Mom? Why is your belly so big? It’s way bigger than mine.” she said.
My shaving husband choked down a laugh.
I glared at him. “It means I’m smart,” I said. “When there’s no more room for ideas in my brain, they just congregate elsewhere.”
My daughter pointed at my stomach. “Then you must be really smart,” she said.
This time my husband laughed out loud. I followed him into the bedroom and tried to force my pants to button. Oh man! I should have done my bicep curls yesterday. I sucked in my stomach. There. That was better. Slowly, I let my breath out and turned toward my husband.
“What the?” he yelled, when the button popped off of my pants and shot toward his eye like a bullet from his thirty-aught-six. He fell into a crumpled heap on the bed.
Oops. I guess it was way past time to go on a diet. Don’t get me wrong. I love diets…especially ones that I invent. Like the time I invented the “Add-a-letter” diet, where every day you change the first letter in the word “Diet” to see what you’re allowed to eat. My favorite days were “Pie-it” and “Fry-it”
My husband held his hand over his eye and groaned. Hmmm. Perhaps this time I needed to invent something a little more serious.
“Okay, kids,” I said at breakfast. “Today your mom is going on a diet. I don’t want to eat anything that will make me fat, and I need your help.”
“Awww,” complained my son. “Does this mean no more brownies for breakfast?”
My husband glared at me.
“What?” I held up my hands. “I only did that once when I was really tired.”
“I know how we can help,” said my daughter. “Tonight you won’t even have to make dinner so you won’t be tempted! We can eat those two packages of marshmallows that are in the cupboard, and you can make yourself some dry toast.” She beamed a benevolent smile in my direction.
“No, no, no!” I said, “I’ve invented something much more fun! It’s called the “hide and seek” diet. You guys hide all the goodies from me, and I won’t be able to find them.”
“Yaaaay!” shouted the children, and they rushed off to hide the goods.
It would’ve worked too, if it wasn’t for the encouraging note I found on the fridge at lunch time whilst nibbling on my piece of dry toast.
Mom, whatever you do…don’t look behind my bed. There’s nothing there. Love, your son.
I headed straight for my son’s bed. I wonder what….Oh yes! The chocolate chip cookies left over from last night’s Family Home Evening!
I looked around furtively. I really shouldn’t. But then again, America was a free country, and I invented this diet. I could do whatever I wanted.
Aaah…freedom. I felt a swell of national pride as I crunched on my cookie. Or was it just a bigger swell over the top of my pants? In any case, in honor of my sudden devotion to my country, I decided to change my diet’s name to “The American Diet,” the diet where freedom reigns.
I pledge allegiance to the cookie, united with chocolate chips and milk. And to the hot dogs sold in stands, one cheeseburger, under ketchup, indivisible, with french fries and soda pop for all.
Marsha Ward's new book Trail of Storms has recently been released and it is a page turner. I never read western novels, but boy, was I missing out. This one was full of adventure, romance and suspense. The story takes place after the civil war, when the south was occupied by Yankee soldiers.
On the back cover it says, "After her sister suffers a brutal attack, Jessie Bingham and her family flee post-Civil War Virginia and undertake a perilous trek to New Mexico Territory. When she learns her former sweetheart, James Owen, took a wife, Jessie accepts Ned Heizer's marriage proposal, on the condition they wait until journey's end to wed. But then Jessie encounters James again...and he isn't married now!"
Marsha does an excellent job with her characters making them true to life. I actually felt like I was in the old west. She is also an expert at creating suspenseful situations. All in all, I loved Trail of Storms! I can't wait to read Marsha's other books based on the same family.
I recently had a chance to interview Marsha about her book:
Marsha, what made you start writing?
The fascination I’ve always had with words and story. It’s just been a part of me as far back as I can remember.
How long have you been writing? When did you sell your first book?
I’ve written ever since I could hold a pencil in my fist. My sister tells of a time when I’d admonish my siblings not to “step on my novel.” I imagine it was spread across the floor with me belly-down on the hardwood, scribbling away.
I self-published my first novel in January 2003 when I had a health crisis that didn’t look like it would turn out well. I’d been carrying around the novel that I’d begin in the late sixties, then really worked on from the eighties on. I was getting good editorial comments, but no acceptances, and I did not want to die and leave my work unpublished.
What type of writer are you? Do you plan ahead/plot or do you simply fly by the seat of your pants?
I usually start with characters, a situation, and a desired ending, and go ahead from there. I’m very much a seat-of-the-pantser. When I outline too much, it takes the starch out of the story.
How do you choose your characters' names?
When I was in high school, I made a list of children’s names, both male and female, for nearly all the letters of the alphabet. I think X might have been a challenge, so I don’t recall if I got those listed. I’ve never had trouble coming up with character names: phone books, news items, journals, baby books, historical accounts, all have been good resources.
What type of writing schedule do you have?
(Laughs) I try to write in blocks of four hours, but assigning days to those blocks is difficult. Because getting going on a novel is the hardest part for me, I have to force myself to begin, even if it’s just 100 words a day. If I took my own advice, I’d write several books a year, but alas, life happens frequently.
How do you handle life interruptions?
With a sigh. I’m not very patient when interrupted, because of the intense effort that it takes to get started. However, I don’t snap at people, if that’s what folks might think.
What have you always dreamed of writing, but haven't yet?
My tenth novel.
What one thing do you like most about writing? Least?
I love the rush of pure adrenalin that gets me through the scene when the work is going well. I don’t like the fact that I have to work so hard to get into the groove of writing.
What is your next project?
I’m working on a non-Owen family novel called Slim and the Schoolmarm.
What is your advice for other writers?
“Just write the dang book.” That a quote from my friend Joan Sowards. She said it to Kerry Blair, who passed it on to me.
Tell us about your book, Trail of Storms.
This novel goes back to Virginia to pick up a minor character from The Man from Shenandoah, Jessie Bingham, the girl James Owen left behind. It details the lives and adventures of members of the Bingham family and a couple of men who love the unmarried girls in the family. When the family is forced to leave Virginia, they are pursued by some not very nice characters, and even after they fight off that onslaught, poverty, bad weather, and Jessie’s sister Hannah's frightful secret plague their journey. Nursing her battered heart when she learns James Owen took a wife, Jessie accepts her old friend Ned's offer of marriage. But a stop on the trail holds surprises that launch Jessie into a bewildering tangle of values, emotions, and high adventure.
What other work of yours has been published?
The Man from Shenandoah came first, in January 2003, followed by Ride to Raton at the end of the same year. I published them through the services of iUniverse due to a desire to get them in fixed form before a looming health issue took me away. Fortunately, the health thing turned out better than expected.
Is there anything you'd like to add?
I’m so very grateful to you, Kersten, for this interview and review, and for other reviewers’ kind words. I’m also getting tremendously encouraging feedback from readers. I hope some of them will be inspired to nominate Trail of Storms for a Whitney Award (http://whitneyawards.com).
If you love to write and read about writers, then check out the new Cedar Fort Author's blog. Learn about the authors you love and their writing techniques. So fun! They have a new post every day.
I forgot to post a recipe last friday, so here's what we had for FHE yesterday. They are the fastest cookies in the world to make and delicious! (we always sprinkle ours with cinnamon and sugar) I got the recipe out of the "Feed your Family on $10 a day" cookbook by Linda West Eckhardt.
Holiday Fancies
1 cup sugar 2 sticks real butter 1 egg 3 1/2 cups flour
Preheat oven to 300. Grease two cookie sheets well. Cut butter into sugar until mixture resembles coarse meal. Add egg and blend completely. Now add flour and mix to make a very short, crumbly dough. (all can be done in processor in 2 minutes). Using a tablespoon for a mold (or a cookie scoop), press dough firmly into the bowl so that you have an round shaped piece in the spoon... Now slide the cookie onto the cookie sheet. Repeat until you have used all the dough.If you desire, make an indentation in each cookie with your index finger. Using the little spoon, drop a dab of topping into each hole (jam, an almond, a walnut or pecan half, or just sprinkle the cookie with cinnamon and sugar). Bake about 15 minutes until edges are brown. Let stand on cookie sheet 2-3 minutes, then remove to a rack for cooling. Store in a tin, seperating layers with waxed paper.
Note: Next humor story June 1st! May story posted below.
I make this more healthy and cheap version of Spaghettios for my kids, but I like it too for lunch. It's nice because it only takes 2 minutes in the microwave.
1 serving
1/4 c couscous 1/4 c spaghetti sauce (or more if you like it more saucey) (click here for recipe. I like to keep some on hand in the fridge) 1 mozarella cheese stick
Put the couscous and 1/2 c water in the microwave. Microwave for 2 minutes. Let sit one minute. Pour on spaghetti sauce and cut the cheese into chunks and mix all together and serve. (note: the cold sauce will cool down the couscous so it is just the right temp)
Welcome to Our “Summer Treasure Hunt: Dig for Clues and Win” Contest! Some friends and I have put together an exciting contest to kick off your summer! Beginning June 1st, we will be giving away a prize a day. That’s right: 30 days, 30 treasures! There should be something for everyone: romance, mystery, historical, contemporary, and young adult fiction; children’s picture books; a variety of non-fiction; and just to liven things up even more, we’ve included a few exciting non-book prizes: a free 30 page manuscript edit, for you aspiring authors out there; an e-bay gift certificate; and a gift-certificate for a Vinyl Expressions Quote.How can you win one of these fabulous prizes?
Follow the rules below:
SUMMER TREASURE HUNT RULES:You can send in an entry for each day’s prize, or only for those prizes that strike your fancy. The rules are simple:(1) Go to the website or blog indicated for each day, find the answer to the question for that day, then email the answer with your name and mailing address to jdipastena@yahoo.com.(2) Please send a separate entry for each day and type the day you are entering in the subject line. (Such as: June Treasure Hunt, Day 1; June Treasure Hunt, Day 2, etc).(3) Deadline for each day: Midnight PST(4) The winner will be contacted and announced on the day following the deadline.You do not have to wait until the designated day to enter. You can start sending in your entries right now, or begin entering at any point along the way. And check back here each day between June 2nd-July 1st to read the names of the winners.If you have any questions, feel free to email Joyce DiPastena at jdipastena@yahoo.com.
And now…let the treasure hunt begin!
June 1SPONSOR: Aubrey Mace PRIZE: autographed copy of my new YA fiction book, My Fairy Grandmother. QUESTION: What is the title of my upcoming book to be released Fall 2009? WEBSITE/BLOG: http://www.aubreymace.com/ OPEN TO INTERNATIONAL ENTRIES
June 2 SPONSOR: Rachel Rager PRIZE: By Love or By Sea, romance, autographed copy QUESTION: What question does the stranger ask Alice? (Hint: Read excerpt of By Love or By Sea on the “Reading Room” page.) WEBSITE/BLOG: http://www.rachelrager.com/ USA ENTRIES ONLY
June 3 SPONSOR: Josi S. Kilpack PRIZE: An autographed copy of culinary mystery Lemon Tart OR a pre-ordered copy of English Trifle (release date is August 2009) QUESTION: How many original recipes are included in the culinary mystery, Lemon Tart? (Hint: click on “Lemon Tart” tab on website) WEBSITE/BLOG: http://www.josiskilpack.com/ USA ENRIES ONLY
June 4 SPONSOR: Cindy R. Williams PRIZE: Arizona Glyph Award Finalist: Chase McKay Didn’t Get Up Today Children’s snuggle, giggle picture book. Autographed by the author and the real Chase McKay. QUESTION: What is the name of the dragon book Cindy is completing?WEBSITE/BLOG: http://www.cindyrwilliams.com/ OPEN TO INTERNATIONAL ENTRIES
June 5SPONSOR: Kersten Campbell PRIZE: Autographed Copy of the Motherhood humor book: Confessions of a Completely (In)Sane Mother QUESTION: What does the dog beg for when he escapes into the neighbor's house in the book Confessions of a Completely Insane Mother? (hint: if they click on the book they'll find the answer) WEBSITE/BLOG: http://www.kerstencampbell.com/ OPEN TO INTERNATIONAL ENTRIES
June 6 SPONSOR: Lara Niedemeyer PRIZE: $20 gift certificate towards merchandise and shipping at my store—8pizza on eBay QUESTION: What is the lowest priced item and what is the highest priced item listed in 8pizza’s store? (Hint: use the “Sort By” feature). WEBSITE/BLOG: http://stores.shop.ebay.com/8pizza USA ENTRIES ONLY
June 7Sponsor's name: Kathi Oram Peterson PRIZE: Autographed copy of The Forgotten Warrior, YA Inspirational Time travel QUESTION: Who is Tarik? WEBSITE/BLOG: http://www.kathiorampeterson.com/ USA ENTRIES ONLY
June 8 SPONSOR: Donna Hatch PRIZE: Autographed copy of paperback of the Regency Romance, The Stranger She Married QUESTION: What is Cole accused of doing? WEBSITE/BLOG: http://www.donnahatch.net/ (Hint: read the excerpt under “Bookshelf” tab for The Stranger She Married) OPEN TO INTERNATIONAL ENTRIES: IN THE CASE OF AN INTERNATIONAL WINNER, AN E-BOOK VERSION OF THE STRANGER SHE MARRIED WILL BE AWARDED
June 9 SPONSOR: Diony George PRIZE: Autographed copy of Torn Apart, a fictional novel based on a true story. "If it could happen to Alyson, it could happen to anyone..." QUESTION: What TV station interviewed Diony about her book? (Hint watch video for the answer) WEBSITE/BLOG: diony-george.blogspot.com USA ENTRIES ONLY
June 10SPONSOR: Tina Scott PRIZE: autographed copy of Coyote's Grand Adventure - children's picture book QUESTION: What did Coyote always dream of doing? (Hint: Look under “Library” tab) WEBSITE/BLOG: http://tinascott.net/ OPEN TO INTERNATIONAL ENTRIES
June 11SPONSOR: Cindy Beck PRIZE: Winner's choice of one of the following anthologies featuring Cindy's stories (autographed copy): My Dad is My Hero, Cup of Comfort for Breast Cancer Survivors, or Cup of Comfort for Horse Lovers. QUESTION: What was the name of my horse? (Hint: You can find the answer by going to the website and clicking on the button marked "Books." WEBSITE/BLOG: http://www.bythebecks.com/ USA ENTRIES ONLY
June 12SPONSOR: Valerie Ipson PRIZE: $15 gift certificate and free shipping for a Vinyl Expressions’ Vinyl Lettering quote (check out http:vinylsignsanddesigns.blogspot.com for examples of prize) QUESTION: What is Valerie’s personal writing quote? (Hint: see quotes in right sidebar under “OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF WRITERLY PEOPLE: Valerie’s “personal quote” means just that…her very own quote!) WEBSITE/BLOG: http://valerieipson.blogspot.com/ USA ENTRIES ONLY
June 14 SPONSOR: Joan Sowards PRIZE: LDS Word Puzzles QUESTION: What is Bednar?WEBSITE: http://joansowards.com/node/110 USA ENTRIES ONLY
June 15 SPONSOR: Anne Bradshaw PRIZE: Autographed copy of Please, No Zits! & Other Short Stories for LDS Youth, but non-LDS will enjoy it, too! - YA genre (12 upward)QUESTION: What does author Jeffrey S. Savage say about Please, No Zits? (Hint: scroll down right sidebar on blog) WEBSITE/BLOG: http://annebradshaw.blogspot.com/ USA ENTRANTS ONLY
June 16 SPONSOR: Laurie LC Lewis PRIZE: an autographed copy of BOOK ONE of her Free Men and Dreamers series, Dark Sky at Dawn. QUESTION: What current political situation has caused a verse of the Star Spangled Banner to be nearly forgotten? (Hint: click on “news” link on website) WEBSITE: http://www.laurielclewis.com/ OPEN TO INTERNATIONAL ENTRIES: IN THE CASE OF AN INTERNATIONAL WINNER, A $25 AMAZON.COM E-CERTIFICATE WILL BE AWARDED TOWARDS THE PURCHASE OF A COPY OF DARK SKY AT DAWN.
June 17SPONSOR: Jaimey Grant PRIZE: FREE download of the eBook of your choice (Betrayal, Spellbound, Heartless, or Redemption) QUESTION: What was the title of the very first Regency romance that Jaimey wrote from beginning to end? (Hint: Check out the post titled: "My Mind : What a Twisted Place to Live") WEBSITE/BLOG: http://jaimeygrant.blogspot.com/ OPEN TO INTERNATIONAL ENTRIES
June 18 SPONSOR: Danyelle Ferguson PRIZE: Free 30 page edit of your manuscript ($30 value) QUESTION: How does Danyelle's business card describe her? (Hint: check right sidebar on blog) WEBSITE/BLOG: http://queenoftheclan.blogspot.com/ OPEN TO INTERNATIONAL ENTRIES: Danyelle says: “If they live in the USA, I will print their 30 pages, hand edit, then mail back. If they live outside the USA, I will edit the .doc file and email back.”
June 19SPONSOR: Walnut Springs Press PRIZE: I Can't Believe It's Food Storage by Crystal Godfrey (non-fiction) QUESTION: What is the most recent new release listed on our blog? (Hint: check out post for April 13, 2009) WEBSITE/BLOG: http://walnutspringspress.blogspot.com/ USA ENTRIES ONLY
June 20 SPONSOR: Caroline Gregory and Shawnette Nielson PRIZE: Puppy Stew, Children’s Picture book. Finalist for Foreward Book Of The Year award. (NOTE: If you would like an autographed copy, please note that in your entry) QUESTION: “In order to stay warm, what do you wear underneath your shoes?” (Hint: look under the “Witchisms” tab on website) WEBSITE/BLOG: http://puppystew.net/ OPEN TO INTERNATIONAL ENTRIES
June 21SPONSOR: Marion Webb-De Sisto.P RIZE: An autographed copy of her ground-breaking book, Crystal Skulls. QUESTION: Does this book explore ancient crystal skulls or contemporary ones? {Hint: Take a look at “Books” in the main menu) WEBSITE/BLOG: http://www.marionwebb-desisto.com/ OPEN TO INTERNATIONAL ENTRIES
June 22SPONSOR: Inglestone PublishingP RIZE: Autographed copy of Counting the Cost by Liz Adair QUESTION: What is the name of the main male character in Counting the Cost? WEBSITE/BLOG: http://www.inglestonepublishing.com/ USA ENTRIES ONLY
June 23 SPONSOR: Cecily Markland/Inglestone PublishingPRIZE: Autographed copy of children’s picture book, If I Made a Bug, by Cecily Markland QUESTION: Who is the illustrator of If I Made a Bug? (Hint: the “bookstore” tab) WEBSITE/BLOG: http://www.inglestonepublishing.com/ USA ENTRIES ONLY
June 24SPONSOR'S NAME: . Jacquie Rogers PRIZE: Faery Special Romances (YA novel)Autographed in USA, not autographed elsewhere. QUESTION: Why does our family support Neurofibromatosis research? (Hint: Click on “Neurofibromatosis research” link and read Mercedes Rice’s story) WEBSITE: http://www.jacquierogers.com/faerysr.html OPEN TO INTERNATIONAL ENTRIES: WINNER LIVING IN A COUNTRY NOT DIRECTLY SERVED BY AN ONLINE BOOKSTORE WILL RECEIVE A PDF COPY.
June 25SPONSOR: Terry Deighton PRIZE: Cup of Comfort for New Mothers (non-fiction, anthology) QUESTION: Name any two titles from the Cup of Comfort series. (Hint: Look in the store.) WEBSITE/BLOG: http://www.cupofcomfort.com/ USA ENTRIES ONLY
June 26SPONSOR: Leatherwood Press PRIZE: Messiah: The Little-known Story of Handel’s Beloved Oratorio, by Tim Slover QUESTION: Who was the art designer for Messiah: The Little Known Story of Handel’s Beloved Oratorio? (Hint: see post for May 15, 2009) WEBSITE/BLOG: http://jdp-news.blogspot.com/ USA ENTRIES ONLY
June 27SPONSOR: Dawson Publishing PRIZE: Copy of The No Cussing Club by McKay Hatch QUESTION: How many members of the No Cussing Club are there to date WEBSITE: http://www.nocussing.com/ USA ENTRIES ONLY
June 28SPONSOR: Nicole Zoltack PRIZE: Woman of Honor (fantasy romance ebook)QUESTION: What color is Caelan's eyes? WEBSITE/BLOG: http://nicolezoltack.blogspot.com/ OPEN TO INTERNATIONAL ENTRIES
June 29SPONSOR: Sarah M. EdenPRIZE: An autographed copy of the Sarah M. Eden Regency romance of your choice QUESTION: "Name all 7 Jonquil brothers." (Hint: check out "The Jonquil Brothers Series" tab) WEBSITE/BLOG: http://www.sarahmeden.com/ USA ENTRIES ONLY
June 30SPONSOR: Marsha Ward PRIZE: LDStorymakers Writing Secrets QUESTION: Who is Rulon? (Hint: Click on “Man from Shenandoah” under “Novels” link on website) WEBSITE/BLOG: http://marshaward.com/ USA ENTRIES ONLY
Note: Next humor story June 1st. May humor story posted below.
Dark Rye bread Deli Corned beef (Sometimes I use pastrami if I don't have corned beef) Canned saurkraut swiss cheese, sliced light mayonnaise ketchup butter
Preheat griddle to medium high. Mix together ketchup and mayo until it turns a pink color (or you can just use Thousand Island dressing instead). Butter the rye bread. Place one bread, butter side down, on the griddle. Spread a layer of ketchup and mayo mix on the bread. Then add meat, cheese, and saurkraut on top. Place other slice of bread, butter side up, on top of sandwich. When the bread has browned, flip and toast the other side until golden brown. Delicious!
I had an opportunity to interview Tristi Pinkston in celebration of the release of her newest novel, Agent in Old Lace. Here is the description on the jacket:
Shannon Tanner has it all a perfect family, a perfect job, and a perfect boyfriend. Or so she thinks. What Shannon doesn t know is that her boyfriend, Mark, is stealing money from her father and making millions doing it. When Shannon learns Mark s secret, he turns on her, and Shannon s life abruptly goes from perfect to perilous.In an effort to protect Shannon, the FBI assigns their only female agent to go undercover as her personal bodyguard. But when the agent is injured the day before the assignment, they turn to the next best thing: their top agent, Rick Holden in a dress. Life seems safe again for Shannon with Rick by her side and Mark apparently gone for good. Then Shannon gets word that her best friend has been kidnapped, and it becomes clear that Mark isn t going to stop any time soon. Shannon realizes the only way to save herself and her friend and stop Mark once and for all is by sending Rick, her only source of protection, away. Can Rick save Shannon before it s too late?
Q. Tristi, your first three books are historical fiction, but your new release, "Agent in Old Lace," is a contemporary novel. What inspired the change?
A. After spending hours upon hours researching some of the aspects of man's inhumanity for my first two books, I needed to focus on something light to help clear out some of the cobwebs. I decided to try my hand at a mystery, and I didn't know it was going to end up being as humorous as it did.
Q. I understand you wrote "Agent in Old Lace" a while ago?
A. Yes, I wrote it back in 2003. It sat on my hard drive for a little while and then I decided to do a makeover on it. I heightened up the suspense, got rid of a lot of exposition, and it's now a much better book than it was before. It's a lot more suspenseful.
Q. How would you describe "Agent in Old Lace?"
A. It's a contemporary mystery/romance/suspense/comedy. But that's a whole lot to say at once. So I'd probably classify it as a romantic suspense,although it's not the freaky-scary kind of suspense.
Q. Are you going to stick with contemporary novels from now on?
A. For the time being, that's what I'm writing. I have a new mystery series I'm launching this fall, and after those books are done, I've got ideas for another series idea after that. But I'm not giving up historical fiction. I've got a lot of ideas still percolating in my brain.
Q: You are such an amazing prolific and creative author with tons of ideas. Plus you have a family to take care of. Where do you find timeto write while taking care of your family?
A: I have my computer on almost all the time and whenever I get an idea, I sneak away for a second to jot it down. Then at night, after the kids are asleep, I'm able to get in and really work. My husband is also very supportive and takes care of the kids for me when I've got something pressing that needs to be finished. I've given up some sleep and a lot of tv, and my house isn't very clean, but those are some of the things I've sacrificed to make it all fit.
Q: How do you come up with your many ideas?
A. They've all come from such different places: from dreams, from things I overhear, from asking "what if?" There's really no one place that's given me all the ideas. I believe in being open and just seeing where they'll come from next.
Tristi's book looks so good I can't wait for mine to come in the mail! Here are some of Tristi's links:
Note: Next humor story June 1st. May story posted below
Here's another super fast FHE treat, which I need because I always forget to make one.
Hershey candy bars Graham crackers Large Marshmallows
Place a hershey candy on one half graham cracker and place marshmallow on top. Melt in microwave. Then place other graham cracker half on top. (Melting only takes like 10 seconds or less in some microwaves). Smoosh together and enjoy!
Here's another giveaway! This time it's not mine. Inglebrook Publishing is having a giveaway to celebrate Liz Adair's new book. See contest rules below:
“Counting the Cost” Roundup of Memories Blog Tour Share your favorite family history memory and win!In celebration of the recent release of *Counting the Cost* by bestselling author, Liz Adair, Inglestone Publishing invites you to participate in aRoundup of Memories.*
Counting the Cost *is historical fiction, set in New Mexico and Arizona inthe 1930s. Brilliantly told, the story is based on events from author LizAdair’s own family history. In Liz’s book, the spring roundup is a centralelement in Liz’s book.
So, for the Roundup of Memories, you are invited to join in the fun by submitting a favorite memory or family history story ofyour own. Here’s all you need to do to qualify for one of the prizes fromInglestone Publishing:
1. Submissions should be a memory of your own or a story of one of your ownancestors.Submissions should be 300 to 500 words long and you may submit as many asyou wish.
2. To submit your entries, simply visit www.inglestonepublishing.com, clickon the Roundup of Memories image near to top of the home page, then fill outthe simple form.
3. Submit entries by May 20. Selected submissions will be published on theInglestone Publishing Web site; and the winners will be announced May 25.
Contest winners will receive:An autographed copy of *Counting the Cost* by Liz AdairCopy of “Using Family History in Fiction” by Liz Adair“Gold nugget bag” of chocolate coins
Grand Prize Winner will receive all of the above, PLUS a $10 giftcertificate to Amazon.com
Note: Next humor story June 1st! May humor story posted below.
This recipe is what I love to cook on Sundays because it is almost no work and tastes like rotisserie chicken. (It's also a frugal way to make Sunday special)
1 family size package of bone-in, skin-on chicken thighs (or leg quarters) Seasoning salt
I usually have one of these packages of chicken in the freezer. I take it out of the freezer Sunday morning at 8 or 9am and cook it in the microwave for 10 minutes so that I can pry the pieces apart. Then I place them, still frozen, in a large crockpot. Season liberally with the seasoning salt. Cook on high all day until dinner time around 5 or 6pm. Remove chicken to a platter and keep warm. Make a gravy with the chicken drippings at the bottom of the crockpot. You may need to add salt to the gravy. Serve hot with rice or potatoes. (We don't eat the skin on the chicken, but cooking it with the skin gives the chicken and gravy more flavor)
(The leftovers from this meal make an excellent chicken pot pie! Just mix the chicken/potatoes/gravy together, add a frozen veggie and cook under a pie shell until done).
I had so much fun at BYU Women's Conference I thought I'd post some pictures!
Here are me and my sisters-in-law, waiting in line to see my favorite artist, Liz Lemon Swindle. We had just heard an amazing talk by Julie B. Beck on strengthening families. Do I look more spiritual to you?
Don't know how to rotate pictures...sorry. But here's me standing in front of my first book in the BYU Bookstore! Hooray! The reason I have that double chin is because I just finished pigging out on THREE pieces of Cheesecake at the top of the Joseph Smith Memorial Building. Ugh!
My sisters in law forcing me to stand in front of a sign with my name on it. I'm really nervous before I have to go sign books.
Me signing books next to Whitney award winner, Aubrey Mace. She is the sweetest person I have ever met! The compliment I received the most as people checked out my book was, "You don't look insane!"
To sum up my experience...Julie B. Beck inspired me to have ten more children, and John Bytheway helped me realize that I must learn how to text message so that I can communicate with the ones I have. See honey? Women's conference is worth the sacrifice! Now when can I get my new Iphone?
Note: I had to post this early because I am going to BYU Women's Conference! Hooray! Come and visit me from 1:30-3:30 at the BYU bookstore for a signing! This story is a sample from one of the thirty stories in "Confessions of a Completely Insane Mother" Enjoy!
Danger lies hidden in every seemingly solid marital relationship. Watch out! Disaster may be lurking just around the corner. You never know when it's about to strike!
The relationship trouble usually hits when the husband leaves town for more than a week at a time. The wife looks around at the unpainted stairwell, sighs over the cracked cement, and lingers longingly over pictures in magazines: pictures of what could have been. The pictures inspire a seed of desire which grows, secretly in her heart until the husband comes home, utterly unaware, and totally shocked to find out that while he was gone, his wife has found a new persona...one he has never seen before. She has become......handy.
My own husband found this out when he came home from work one day to find me drilling holes in all of the window frames of our house.
"What in heaven's name is going on around here?" he asked, dropping his newspaper when he saw the maniacal gleam in my eye.
"Honey!" I said with excitement, my cheeks flushed. "I never knew how fun this "thingy" could be. You can make a hole in just about anything, except bricks...I tried it and broke one of your bits, sorry."
"Thingy?" he replied, his face turning white. "That is a very expensive automatic drill. What are you doing drilling holes in all of our wood?"
"I'm fixing up the house!" I replied, laughing. "I saw a picture of some shelves in a magazine, and suddenly I realized, 'I can do that!"
I paused, waiting for a reaction. Seeing nothing but closed eyelids and deep breathing, I continued, "In other words, great news! You don't have to do "fix-it" jobs EVER again! I can do them myself. In fact, I am going to remodel our whole kitchen!"
"Remodel our kitchen?" my husband screeched. He stopped and took a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. Then he put a gentle hand on my arm.
"Darling," he said, "Do you know what is involved in remodeling a kitchen? The cost alone...!"
"Cost, schmost!" said I, waving the drill in the air. My husband jumped away when I accidentally pushed the trigger in his face. "We are going to do all of the work ourselves, so it won't cost much at all!"
His eyes narrowed, "What do you mean "we?"
I sighed. "Don't get all testy...I'll do most of the work, but you can carry the heavy stuff. You'll be the grunt labor."
He grunted. "Gee thanks. But hon! Honestly people train for years, they have to become apprentices to learn how to do all that stuff..."
"Not me!" I say, sticking the drill proudly in the holster of my tool belt. "Check out our bedroom window."
Again, the color drained from his face. He walked slowly to our room, like a man assigned to the gallows. Then he stopped and stared silently at the huge lumps behind the closed curtains, his jaw dropping, when I opened them up with a flourish.
He coughed. "Our window? You put shelves in our window?"
"Yep! I did all eight of them while the baby was sleeping."
He gulped. "But why? Eight shelves in one window? Why would you do such a thing?"
"Tomatoes."
My husband gave me a blank stare.
I sighed. "You know. I want to grow tomatoes from seed. We didn't have enough space in our window for the pots."
"But," he sputtered, "We can't even sit up in our bed without hitting our heads...how are we going to..."
"No worries!" I said, lifting the drill out of its holster and revving it a few times. "I noticed you had a "saw thingamajig" in your tool box! The legs to the bed are my next project."
I squinted at him, "Honey are you okay? Your face looks a little--purple."
"I'm fine," he said, holding a fist to his chest. His voice sounded strangled.
"Good. Because I want to show you how I fixed the broken crib. You know what they always say..."
"No...I don't," said my husband, rubbing a wrinkle in his forehead.
"With a little know-how and a lot of duct tape..." I grinned, "Nothing's impossible!”
That's when my husband fainted. And so...husbands beware. Don't let this happen to you. Get all those "honey-do" lists done before you leave town. And NEVER leave a home repair manual lying around where just anybody can read it....Especially if it's sitting next to a roll of duct tape.
Note: Next Humor story will be May 1st. Apr. story posted below.
This fast easy dough cooks up crusty on the edge of the pan and soft on the inside of the cookie sheet pan so you can please both types of dough lovers. You can make this dough in a bread maker on the dough cycle too...just put wet ingredients on the bottom and dry on the top.
Makes 2 cookie sheet size pizzas
1 1/4 C warm water 1 scant T Yeast 3 1/2 C Flour 1t salt 2T Olive oil
Put yeast in water and let sit for a minute. In a stand mixer with a dough hook add flour, salt, and olive oil. Mix. Add Yeast mixture and mix. If dough looks too crumbly add a tiny bit more water (2-4 T) until it forms a soft but not sticky dough ball. Mix for 10 minutes to make a more elastic dough. (This dough does not need to rest or rise. You can start rolling it right away) (if you don't have a dough hook you can use a regular mixing attachment to mix the dough)
Cut dough ball in half to make two pizzas. Spray two cookie sheets and your counter top with cooking spray. Use rolling pin to roll out dough on the sprayed counter in the shape of your pan. Lift dough to your pan. Use fingers or a small pastry roller to roll the dough to the edges of pan. (To clean cooking spray off counter use first a dry towel then a wet cloth...it comes off easily this way). Top your pizza with sauce, cheese and toppings. Bake one at a time in a 425 degree oven for 15 minutes (check at 10-12 min.). Serve hot.
Note: Next humor story May 1st. April Humor story posted below.
Are you really addicted to chocolate doughnuts? Totally and completely. It drives my husband crazy. He is a health nut and never eats anything bad. The invention of Krispy Kreme was my undoing. I need to start some kind of support group: Doughnuts Anonymous: for doughnut addicts and the people who love them. I'll send my husband. He could use the therapy in dealing with my issues.
Where do you get your crazy ideas? All my ideas come from my family. The dynamics of the different personalities in our family just lend themselves to humorous situations. Me...the dreamy wife with no practical bone in my body....my husband the frugal, straight, practical man...and all my children who are bursting with personality traits just ready to be enjoyed in stories. I walk around with index cards and pencils sticking out of all the pockets of my jeans, coats, purses, and shirts, so I can record all of their escapades. Then I file the index cards away for later use.
If I wanted to write a book, how would I get published? Where do I start? My first advice is to decide what genre you want to write and then study it for awhile to get a feel for it. I once read about a romance author who read a hundred romance novels before she started writing her own. By then she really had a feel for the conventions of the genre she wanted to write and was able to get her novel published.
Next read a few books on how to write. You can avoid many first time writing mistakes this way. Writer's Digest has excellent books on all aspects and genres.
After you finish your manuscript have at least five friends read it. Then have it reviewed by a writer's critique group. This is vital. There are many things you just can't see in your own writing because of your bias as the author. You can find writer's critique groups online. One such group for LDS women is ANWA.
Finally, after you have done all this, begin sending your manuscript to agents and publishers. Study the market before you do this to be sure you're sending your manuscript to the right publishers. And remember: Never give up! Even if you have to revise your manuscript again or start a new one in a different genre. Every author goes through many modes of rejection before they finally find their niche! Best of luck in your writing endeavors!
Joann Arnold's fourth book, a fantasy for young adults, is beautifully imagined and wonderfully written. It is about a young boy who finds out that his life is not what it seems when he is whisked away from his cottage after his grandmother's death by some amazing animal friends, only to find out that he is a prince and the only one who can save his innocent people from total destruction by an evil wizard and king. I enjoyed the richly imagined characters who helped Prince Etcheon on his journey and through his epic battle. I felt like I was there inside the beautiful fairy-like landscape. I loved the purity and nobleness of the hero and his people. I can tell that Joann really loved her characters when she wrote this novel. This book would be a wonderful read for any child or adult who loves to be lost in a beautiful world with fantastic characters and a noble hero who must save the world. Thanks Joann for the beauty of your richly imagined novel. I loved being immersed in your fantasy world and can't wait for your next book to come out!
My favorite quote: “Motherhood …is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind. It places her who honors its holy calling and service next to the angels.”(In James R. Clark, comp., Messages of the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 6 vols. (1965–75), 6:178.
Dewey and Liz from Pocotello, ID! Congratulations on winning Stacy Gooch Anderson's great book! If you didn't win, don't worry! There'll be more giveaways to come!
Note: Next humor story on May 1st. The April humor story is posted below.
I love to eat this for lunch. This recipe makes one bowl for one person. You can make more bowls for more people if you desire since it only takes 2 minutes to cook.
1/4 C couscous (can get in bulk section of grocery store) 1/2 C water 1 lemon 1/4 C ready to serve grilled chicken pieces (we get ours from Costco, or just use leftover chicken) Salt and pepper
Put couscous and water in a bowl. Microwave for 2 minutes. Let sit 1 minute. Warm up chicken in microwave. Add chicken pieces to couscous. Salt and pepper to taste. Take a lemon zester and add the zest of the lemon to the couscous. Cut lemon in half and squeeze both halves over the couscous and chicken. Serve.
Here are more answers to frequently asked questions people ask me as a humor author!
1. What’s the secret to making people laugh? Writing humor is like drawing caricatures. You take true things that happen, or annoyances that are common to most people and you enlarge or exaggerate them and make them silly. For example…In one essay, I have exaggerated my problems with garden pests into a war against bugs…and I have enlarged my daughter’s love of nature to be a crusade to save roly-poly’s. Humor is also about surprises…you have to set people up with a very serious point and then totally hit them out of thin air with something ridiculous. Irony is also a big part of making people laugh. When you take a person who thinks he is suave and cool and he's totally not...that is funny.
2. What about the characters, are they part of the humor, and are they true to life? The characters are what make the story funny and interesting. How they overcome their various ridiculous obstacles is something that puts the icing on the cake, humor-wise. The characters are sort of true, but exaggerated. I have taken true characteristics of people in my family and exaggerated them in each person to make them funny. For instance I have a mind that is always coming up with impractical new ideas to solve problems…and in the stories I blow that trait up into a character who is constantly coming up with these outrageous schemes to solve every tiny family issue.
I love the cover of Liz Adair's newest novel "Counting the Cost." It's so nostalgic. This book is wonderful because of its deep characterization. In "Counting the Cost" Liz has accomplished some of the best characterization I have ever read in LDS fiction. The writing and depth made me feel like I was reading a classic novel. Liz Adair uses some of her family history from ancestors who lived in New Mexico during the settling of the area to write a riveting romance. She told me at a book signing that this is her secret. When you use characters from family history you really come to know them deeply. She is so good at making you feel the hardship of the times. Liz's powers of description are on par with the best writers. There are some unsettling scenes that are necessary to the book and to establish the motives of the characters, but this only increased the depth and complexity of the situations. I loved that the book is so 'real' and that things are complicated just like in real life. I would recommend this book to anyone who loves historical romance with complex situations and deep characters. Great job Liz!! You are now one of my favorite writers! You can buy Liz's book at Inglestone Publishing.
Hooray! This week's giveaway is Stacy Gooch Anderson's book "Life is Tough: I doubt I'll Make it Out Alive!" Just leave a comment if you want to win!! Good Luck! I'll post the winner next Monday!
Note: next humor story May 1st! April Humor story posted below.
This is the best recipe I have ever found.
1 14.5oz Can S&W tomato sauce (S&W is the sweetest and thickest sauce so it's better than other brands) 1/2 t garlic powder (or 1 clove fresh garlic, crushed) 1/4 t oregano 1/2 t basil 1/4 t salt 1t sugar 1t parsley flakes
Mix all together in the morning. Let sit in fridge for flavors to blend. Microwave until warm before serving. (You can add cooked, crumbled ground beef too if you desire)
Today I am interviewing Stacy Gooch-Anderson, the author of the humor book, "Life is Tough. I Doubt I'll Make it Out Alive." Since it snowed here during Spring Break, and we were both sick of the weather, Stacy and I decided we'd have some fun and imagine we were meeting with each other in a sunnier spot. (Stacy wrote this cute interview)
Kersten - "And we are live coming from the set of the Oprah show in sunny San Diego at Sea World where she is shinning some light on the plight of the whales!!!"
Stacy leans over and whispers - "Is this where I come in??? It sounds like my cue...."
Kersten smiles and nods while motioning with her hand in the affirmative.
Stacy looks around - "Hey, this is pretty nice digs!! I'm impressed Oprah let you use her set."
Kersten - "Well, about that....."
Stacy getting the hint - "Oh, I see. Well,....not to worry! We are mothers. We know how to hurry and scramble before disaster happens...."
Kersten - "Speaking of motherhood, when exactly did you know that it was the toughest job you'd ever want to love?"
Stacy - "When I didn't kill my Cabbage Patch doll and she never had the adoption papers nullified," Stacy points off into the distance at her four year old nephew who is jumping on a very worn and bedraggled doll.
Kersten - "I see," she haphazardly smiles before turning back to her guest and asking, "I just gotta know. Is it really true that you go to bed with your makeup on? How long has it been? 22 years of marriage?"
Stacy - "22 years, 7 months, and 11 days,.....but who's counting?" she laughs with a swish of her hand. "And yes, I do still go to bed with my make-up on if for no other reason than my mother is dead."
Kersten - "Excuse me??? I don't quite understa....."
Stacy as if everything she says ought to make perfect sense - "She passed away almost exactly a year ago and she once told me that if I didn't do her proud, she'd haunt my days and nights.She literally can now and no offense - but if I don't get my sleep, I'm a bear to contend with and I get bags under my eyes that Mary Poppins would kill for!"
Kersten smiling with understanding - "Oh, I get that! makes perfect sense! Sleep deprivation can be a dangerous thing for a mother!"
Shamuu leaps out of the water and lands on his belly between the two women with mouth open wide showing off his killer whale grin.
Stacy picks up a near by bucket full of fish and heaves the contents into his gaping mouth. Shamuu swivels backwards and plops into the water.
Kersten keeping her poise while gingerly plucking fish guts from her hair asks "How did you manage to keep your calm with that large beast interrupting our conversation? And more importantly, how did you know what to do?"
Stacy - "Kersten, did I not tell you that I have three teenage sons, a juvenile husband and a fourth son who could solve the world's energy crisis if we could tap into his energy living at home with me? They always interrupt and if I throw food their way, they go away happily....." Stacy then looks over her shoulder smiling as the large killer whale leaps into the air does a couple of spins and lands an his side creating a tsunami that knocks the women out of their chairs. "And their love and appreciation knocks me over equally as much!!!" she yells above the wave that is carrying them to the side of the pool.
After finally coming to a stop at the base of the spectator bleachers, Kersten picks up a wet sneaker and folds her lawn chair. "Well, I think that about says it all. And since Oprah is due back in a few minutes, we're going to call it a day! Thank you for joining us today, Stacy! Life is Tough but it is somewhat comforting to know that no matter how badly we think we've screwed things up, we're all in it together and on even ground since no one will make it out alive!"
Stacy - "Thanks, Kersten. It was my pleasure,...truly!" Once she thinks the cameras are off she leans over and plucks a bit of seaweed off of Kersten's behind. "Here you go,....hang onto this. You can make a wonderful facial mask that will take years off of your appearance. Mix that with some fake tan and you'll look 31 again!!!"
Kersten slips on her shoe to the accompaniment of a great sucking noise before heading off with her lawn chair. "Thanks, for the tip! With the stresses of motherhood and the years they have added, that just might get me looking like the right age!!!"
**P.S. I read Stacy's book this week and found it both hilarious and touching. I loved it! Thanks Stacy for sharing your wonderful family stories with all of us and helping us to find the humor in our own lives. You are one funny lady. Readers can find Stacy's book at all LDS stores and online.
The winner of the book, "The Waltz" by G.G. Vandigraff is Mommymita, a beautiful mother of six. Thank you all for participating in the drawing! There will be more to come!
Note: This is a sample chapter from "Confessions of a Completely Insane Mother"
It’s 9:00am on Sunday morning. We’ve just screeched into the church parking lot. My husband shouts out orders: “Son, you run and get us a seat. You, carry in all the scriptures, and you…” he points at my teenage daughter, “grab the baby.”
He hands the toddler to me and tries to pick up the church bag. “Ugh. What is in this thing? I can’t even lift it out of the car.”
I look at the bag. It’s big and lumpy with pencils and papers sticking out of several holes in the bottom corners.
“Just stuff that we need in church,” I reply, “Do you want me to carry it?”
“No,” he grunts, “I can get it.” He hoists it onto his back and begins to trudge toward the church.
“Don’t forget to grab the blankee and the pacifier,” I call out over my shoulder. “Oh yeah, and I brought some coloring books for the kids.”
My husband grumbles under his breath as he drags the bag back to the car and grabs the necessary paraphernalia.
“Don’t forget to grab the diapers and wipes under the front seat,” I say, turning around to see if he’s all right.
He looks like a pack llama, and he is dropping things left and right. Muttering, he finally catches up to me by the door.
“Did you get the sippy cup?” I ask sweetly.
He glares at me. Shrugging, I walk through the glass doors of the church. As I walk and he waddles down the hall, people stop us.
“Are you okay?”
“Can I give you hand with that?”
My husband shakes his head, his face red. He is out of breath and unable to speak.
Finally we reach our seats. With a loud thump and an enormous clatter he drops the church bag and everything else he is carrying next to our pew. Sitting down next to me, he leans over and whispers, “I know this is a dumb question. But may I ask what the purpose of a church bag is, if you can’t fit the church stuff inside of it? ”
I sigh. “You’ll be glad I brought everything when the kids start whining.”
“Humph,” he grumbles, digging through the bag. “What is this? You have every church bulletin in here since 1993!”
Grinning, I respond, “Hey, there are phone numbers on those papers that we might need someday.”
The baby starts to fuss. “Find him a toy, will you?” I ask.
My husband digs through the mounds of church bulletins and pulls out, a half-eaten bagel.
“When is the last time you cleaned this thing out?” he whispers.
Digging deeper he finds: an old lesson manual, twenty-six “Smarties” wrappers, a dirty diaper, and five broken pencils.
Finally, he strikes gold. He holds up a headless Barbie.
“You can’t give him that to play with in church,” I hiss.
My husband looks confused as I shove the doll back into the bag. “She’s not dressed modestly. What will the Banks’ think when they see our son playing in the pew with a half-dressed Barbie doll?”
“Fine,” he grumps, heaving the church bag in my direction and taking the baby. “You find something for him to play with.”
“Fine,” I reply. I bite my lip, trying to remember what is lurking beneath all of those church bulletins. Aha! I know one way to find out. Lifting up the corner of the bag, I stick my finger into one of the holes and yank out a pen. Then I uncrumple a church bulletin and give it to the baby to draw on. The baby squeals contentedly as he chews on the pen and rips up the bulletin. I smile at my husband. “It’s a good thing I keep this old bag. Those holes at the bottom are pretty handy.”
“Yeah. Pure genius,” my husband replies.
After sacrament meeting, my visiting teacher stops by our pew. Her eyebrows rise as she takes in the mayhem that has spilled out of our lumpy old bag. Hiding her dismay, she offers to take my church bag home and organize it for me.
“Organize?” I laugh. “This is organized!” I say, meaning it. I’m the most organized person I know. “Go ahead,” I tell her. “Ask me for the phone number of the missionaries who lived here in 1997. I bet there is no one else in this ward who has that information.”
She smiles and nods politely before edging away. I stand up and heave the bag onto my shoulder. I just hope I can coax some old Smarties to fall out of the holes in the bottom for my primary class. There’s nothing like a bribe to help those sunbeams sit in their chairs.
See? Good old church bag. If you leave it long enough, there’ll be stuff in there to solve all of your problems. Don’t ever clean it, and don’t ever leave home without it.
This week's giveaway is the beautiful, and now bestselling historical fiction book, "The Last Waltz" by G.G. Vandegriff (See review below). I wanted to spread the word about this giveaway to help G.G., so to enter, just post about this giveaway on your blog with a link to it and then return here and leave a comment so that I can check for the post.
I'll post the winner on Monday and comment on your blog if you win! Good luck!! And have a great day...as in...I hope you don't catch your kids stuffing their younger brother in the dryer like I caught mine yesterday.
Hey everyone! I thought I'd start posting some frequently asked questions that people have been asking about my journey to becoming a humor author. So here are the first two:
1. Are the crazy events in your "Confessions..." stories true? All of the stories are based on true events, but I have highly exaggerated the events into a form of fiction based on real life. For example, my son really did dump out ten pounds of powdered milk all over the floor. It made a huge mushroom cloud but I exaggerated it to be a complete white out in the kitchen. You'd be surprised at what is truth and what is fiction. I actually did nail six shelves onto my bedroom window in order to grow tomato plants. My husband was ready to kill me....luckily he knew about my crazy streak before he married me. :-)
2. So do you really perform acts of Zucchini crime with your children on Sundays? I’ve thought about it and been very tempted. But what we really did was just make signs on boxes pleading with people to take these big green submarines that we had grown in our garden. Of course, no one would take them. So we had to eat them for days and days and days....We still have some in the freezer. Anybody know any good recipes?
This historical fiction book by G.G. Vandagriff is outstandingly written, full of marvelous detail and fascinating characters. I can tell that the author has researched her subject thoroughly and that she loves the characters she writes about. When I wasn't reading the book, I missed being immersed in her fictional world. It is a love story set in Austria/Germany/Poland during the tumultuous World War I and World War II periods where the heroine must make many heartbreaking choices that ultimately test her ability to survive and the moral fabric of her very being. GG does an excellent job of character development, making you care about and love her heroes and heroine. I especially love her heroine who is human, makes mistakes, and yet is someone you can respect and want to be like. Watching the heroine struggle through her enormous trials made me resolve to go through my own trials with similar faith and strength. The suspense is also high. I was sweating bullets for awhile wondering what the heroine would choose, but so proud of the decision she made in the end. I recommend this book for all women who love to be immersed in a love story full of rich detail and exciting drama with a satisfying ending. I am sad that the book ended. G.G., I'm a fan for life!
Note: Next Humor story Apr. 1st. The March story is posted below.
This is one of the kids' favorite dishes. It has a kind of sweet flavor they enjoy.
1 lb. hamburger 1 t onion powder 2 cans tomato soup 1/2 of a 13oz. can evaporated milk 2T brown sugar 1 1/2 T Worcestershire sauce 1t salt 1/4 t pepper 3 or 4 C uncooked egg noodles
Fry hamburger in a non stick frying pan until no longer pink. Add soup (undiluted), seasonings, milk, sugar, and worcestershire sauce. Simmer 15 minutes. Cook noodles in boiling, salted water and drain. Add noodles to meat mixture and stir together. Serve warm.
Hi everyone! My sister-in-law said I need to put more of my personality into my blog, and I think she's right so here it is. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Becoming an author is scary! There is so much you have to do. I thought you just wrote the book and handed it over to the publishers and they took care of everything, but NO...that is NOT what happens. You write the book and they hand it back to you and say...now go promote it. I ask you, how are you supposed to find the time to do that with five kids?
One thing I do know is that I will never sacrifice my family or my spirituality to be an author, so I am counting on the Lord for a miracle. I know it will happen. It already has. I haven't done much of anything yet and He has stretched forth His hand and got the word out about the book. I know that He cares for us all so tenderly, and I can see his tender care every day, as I struggle to get everything done, and do the gospel and family things first, he performs a miracle for me each day. I am so thankful for this and the opportunity He has given me to reach out to women. Because of Him and his tender guidance and care, I have deep and abiding joy every day.
Lisa Bennet from Idaho! She gets the book and the delicious gourmet chocolate! Thanks everyone for entering the drawing! But if you didn't win, don't worry...there'll be more giveaways to come!
When you've forgotten to make a FHE treat, like I usually do, this will save your life. It's the fastest, yummiest family home evening treat or dessert you'll ever make! Note: Next humor story April 1st (the March one is posted below). Don't forget to enter the giveaway in the previous post!
4 graham crackers (broken in half into squares) 1/2 cup light cream cheese (fat free works too) 1/4 C sugar (or to taste)
Blend the cream cheese and sugar together in a bowl with a fork. Divide into eight portions. Spread each portion on a graham cracker square. Enjoy! Tastes exactly like cheesecake only no work! Kids love to make these. (Drizzle with chocolate syrup if you like)
Hooray! After I review a book I have an extra lying around, so I thought I'd do a Giveaway each time I do a book review! Soooooo, this week it's going to be a copy of Jewel's book, The Journey, and a rich, delicious bar of Starbuck's gourmet chocolate....mmmm. To qualify, just become one of my blog friends in the "Blog Frog" down in the side bar below by clicking "Become a friend". The winner will be chosen at random and announced on Monday. (I'll comment on your blog to let you know that you've won). (If the blogfrog isn't working, just email me at the address below to enter)
OOOR if you don't have a blog, you can join the fun by signing up for my email mailing list to be alerted once every year or two when a new mother humor book comes out! Just email me at kersten4@hotmail.com with your email address!
If you don't want to miss future giveaways, sign up for an RSS feed of this blog (also below in the sidebar) or become a follower! Have fun!
This book transported me because of it's beautiful language. Jewel Adams' writing style is more like poetry than prose. With vivid descriptions written in such gorgeous prose it really makes you feel as if you could reach out and touch the beautiful, yet deadly world of fantasy she has created. It is a YA fantasy about a girl who has to make a journey in order to come of age and is symbolic of the journey we all make to the earth when we leave our Heavenly home. Jewel's writing really made me think about the war between good and evil and how real it is, even though it seems so distant in the day to day business of our lives. It made me recommit to do better, to be better, and to want to remember the beautiful daughter of God that I really am, and who I can become. I definitely want my teenage daughter to read this book. You can find this book and the author's other published works on her website http://www.jadamsnovels.com/.
NOTE: Next Humor story April 1st! (The March humor story is posted below). Also, see the sidebar for links to my recent author interviews on other websites. The following recipe is a family favorite of ours. Hope you enjoy!
Whole Wheat Bread Slices Eggs, beaten Ham, sliced Mozzarella cheese, sliced or grated
Grease the surface of a griddle. Dip each bread slice in beaten egg on both sides. Fry one side until egg is cooked, then turn. Add ham and cheese on half of the bread slices. When egg is done and cheese is melted, top with the other egg coated bread to form a sandwich. Serve hot.
Annette Lyon, historical fiction author is doing a week of giveaways to celebrate her new novel's release. The prizes are awesome and all you have to do is leave a comment! Click here for details.
From time to time I will post author interviews and book reviews of other LDS authors. Here is an interview with Kathi Oram Peterson, author of "The Forgotten Warrior" and she has a new book in the works, due out in September 2009.
1) Kathi, Take us into your office. What is your daily writing routine? Oooh I hate to give away my secrets, but since you asked. First I meditate in the lotus position for an hour to get in the mood, then I converse with my writing muse, next when the voices start speaking I begin work. J Oh if it were only that simple. My real routine… I usually eat a bowl of oatmeal while I check email. Once that’s taken care of I can concentrate on my current book. I’ll write until noon, than I try to go for a walk. A good friend mine, who is also a writer, walks with me a couple of times a week. We’ll sometimes discuss plot issues and such. After lunch, I’m back at the computer.
2) How does your family feel about your writing? They are very supportive. My husband, Bruce, fills in on the household chores when I forget. (Can’t tell you how many times he’s finished the laundry.) My children are grown now, but they all support me in many ways. I don’t know what I’d do without them.
3) Have you ever had writer’s block? And if so, how did you deal with it? If I have writer’s block it’s usually because I’m trying to make a character do something they don’t want to, or the storyline has drifted off course. On the book I recently finished, a secondary character had taken over the storyline and I was having a tough time moving the book forward. I finally realized what the problem was, deleted many scenes, put the secondary character in her place and all was well.
4) No one knows the actual location of events in the Book of Mormon, so how did you decide where to put the cities and what the landscape looked like in The Forgotten Warrior? This was a problem. But it was also very freeing. I found several books with different theories, looked at many maps people had drawn and blended them together. For the landscape, again, I relied on books and pictures that have other people’s theories and made my own.
5) The protagonist in your book has a black belt in karate. Have you had training in martial arts? Several people have asked me this. My son has a black belt. He helped me act out the scenes. Many times we looked like we were playing Twister as we went through the motions. So alas, the only training I have had is from my son.
6) Many people do not like the cliffhanger ending of your story. Why did you stop The Forgotten Warrior where you did? I ended the book after the battle for Cumeni because it was a very climatic scene and there was still so much story to tell. You’ve heard of the old adage “get into to a scene late and get out early” well I applied that a little too literally. If I could do it over, I probably would have included the first chapter of book two at the end of The Forgotten Warrior.
7) Why did you choose to have Sydney hide her gender from many of the characters in the book? It wasn’t intentional at first. But after I’d written several chapters I realized at that time woman’s work was very defined. Since Sydney wore a black gi, she didn’t dress like other women, but more like a man…so I let assumptions drawn by the characters remain. Plus, I rather doubt the warriors would have listened to fighting instructions from a young woman. And so the charade continued.
8) The cover of your book is quite eye-catching with a warrior holding a sword, yet no one can plainly see who holds the weapon. Why the mystery? The mystery really started with the title, The Forgotten Warrior. Who is it? Tarik, Abraham, Dagan, Baram, Syd. I’m sure as my readers have read the book, they sort of have an idea, but it’s not definitive until book two. The hand holding the sword could be that of a young man or young woman.
9) Your story has a mysterious harlequin Great Dane. Is he symbolic in some way? Yes. But I didn’t plan it that way at first. As I collected pictures of my characters I came across one of this beautiful black and white speckled Great Dane sleeping on a couch. I knew he had to be part of my story. As the story grew, so did his importance. I knew I needed to use him in a very special way. I’m not going to tell what he is symbolic of, for I’d rather my readers come to their own conclusion.
10) Promoting LDS fiction can be an uphill battle because your audience is limited. Why did you choose to write in this genre? I think it chose me. I’ve tried to write in many genres with a little success, but not much. A few years back I was put in Young Women’s so, of course, my writing drifted towards them. Yes, LDS fiction is hard to promote, but wow have I met some wonderful people and heard faith-promoting stories from our youth. It makes it all worth while.
Kathi Oram PetersonAuthor of: The Forgotten Warrior-1/2009
1 package egg roll wrappers 1/4 lb. cooked hamburger 3/4 package cabbage slaw Salt and pepper to taste
Boil cabbage for about 1-3 minutes until slightly wilted. Drain and put in a medium mixing bowl. Add hamburger, salt and pepper. Place 2-4T filling on a corner of each egg roll wrapper. Roll half way, fold in corners, and roll the rest of the way, sealing the edge with a tiny bit of water.
Spray the egg rolls with cooking spray. Spray an electric griddle with cooking spray. Cook on medium high heat turning until all sides are browned and crispy. To make a quick savory dipping sauce mix 1/4 c soy sauce with 1/4 c vinegar.
These Quesadillas are modeled after the ones at Chilis because my husband loves them.
1 package tortillas Butter Monterey Jack cheese, grated (or mozzarella) 1/2 pound cooked chicken, cut up (I use leftover or throw some frozen thighs in a crockpot in the morning so they're ready by dinnertime)
Optional ingredients: black beans (prepared) and mild green chilis.
Butter all the tortillas. Place half the tortillas butter side down on griddle. Sprinkle with cheese, chicken (and black beans and chilis if desired). Top with the other tortillas, butter side up. Cook until the bottom tortilla is crispy and browned. Flip and cook the other side until crispy and brown. Lift off the griddle and place on a plate. Slice into quarters with a pizza cutter. Serve with sour cream and salsa if desired.
I just wanted to post a special thankyou to Wendy Christensen, author of "It's the Little Moments that Matter". She is a beautiful person as you can see by her wonderful book and her blog. She was kind enough to provide the quote for the back of my book. Check out her beautiful insights on her website. Her husband also sings and performs for kids. www.wigglelikeafish.com. What a neat family!
Note: Next Humor story Mar. 1st. And the humor book "Confessions of a Completely Insane Mother" is now available online! Hooray!
3 Can Black Bean Chili 1 lb. ground beef, cooked 1 T chili powder 1 chopped onion 1 t cumin 1 14.75 oz. can tomato sauce 1 14.75 oz. can diced tomatoes 2 cloves garlic, crushed 1 14.75 oz. can of black beans
Throw all ingredients in a crockpot and cook on low for six hours or high for three hours. (Okay, don’t throw them…you might break something. Lay them in gently.) You could also simmer this for 20 min. on the stove. Serve with corn chips and grated cheese.
Hooray! The book "Confessions of a Completetly Insane Mother" (full of family humor stories like the ones on my blog) is now available for purchase online on my publisher's website! (Click here.) Within a month or so it should be available in Lds bookstores and online at Seagull books, Deseret Book, Barnes and Noble.com, and Amazon. I hope you enjoy reading it with your families and that it will bring you much laughter and joy!
NOTE AND NEWS: Next Humor story will be posted Mar. 1st. Also, the book, "Confessions of a Completely Insane Mother" is finished and in the Publisher's warehouse! I'm so excited! It should be hitting the stores sometime in the next month or so. I'll keep you posted!
Homemade Instant Maple and Brown Sugar Oatmeal Pkts.
(These are WAY cheaper than the store bought packets. Kids can make it themselves, which saves you time in the morning and helps them learn to cook) 1/3 C quick oats ¼ t salt 1-2 T brown sugar (depending on your taste) 1/4 t imitation maple flavoring (located in the spice section of the grocery store, near the extracts)
Put all ingredients except maple in a snack sized zipper bag. Store. To make oatmeal, dump contents into a bowl. Add 2/3 C water or milk. Microwave for 1 minute. Stir in maple flavoring. Enjoy! (Note: if you don’t want to spend money on little bags, then you could just put the ingredients directly in a bowl. You could also re-use your bags) Variation: Add dried apple bits, walnuts, and ¼ t cinnamon in place of the maple extract.
NOTE: Next humor story Mar. 1 This is one of my favorite quick salads and the kids love it! 1 can pineapple chunks, drained 1 can pineapple crushed, drained 1 can mandarin oranges, drained 1/2 C dried cranberries 1/4 C slivered almonds (opt.) 1 C fat free sour cream 1 package colored marshmallows
NOTE: Next humor story will be posted on Feb. 1st!
For one personal pizza you would need:
1 whole wheat tortilla 1/4 c spaghetti sauce 1/4 c Provolone cheese, grated Pizza toppings (turkey pepperoni, mushrooms etc...)
Spray a broiler pan or cookie sheet with cooking spray. Place tortilla on the pan and broil the tortilla for 1 minute under the broiler until it turns toasty. Remove the tortilla and turn it over on the pan. Add sauce, cheese and toppings. Place pizza under the broiler for 20 seconds or until cheese melts.
Arrange chicken in a 9x9 pan sprayed with non stick spray. Mix together salsa and brown sugar to make a delicious sweet and spicy sauce. Pour over chicken. Cover pan with foil and cook at 400 degrees for 45 minutes or until chicken is no longer pink and juices run clear. Serve with sauce over rice.
(Note: Each Friday will be a new fast easy recipe and the next humor story will be Feb. 1st!)
I have collected hundreds of fast easy recipes so that I have time to write funny stories AND chase my 5 kids. I thought my collection might help you too! I will now post weekly...a new humor story the first day of every month, and a fast, easy recipe every Friday!
Here's my first recipe: (I'll post the January humor story next Fri! See you then!)
Pesto Turkey Melt (For lunch or dinner)
Pesto Sauce Deli Turkey slices Mozzarella or Monterey Jack cheese, grated Toasted Bread slices
Spread 2t pesto sauce on toast. Add turkey and cheese. Broil open faced in broiler until cheese melts. Serve open faced or top with toast.
They've moved up the release date of the book to February of 2009! And they changed the title to "Confessions of a Completely (in)Sane Mother" What do you think?
I am doing stories every other week now to save some surprises for the next book, but here's one of my favorite funny emails that was circulating around. I always love it no matter how many times I read it.
Answers given by elementary school age children:
Why did God make mothers? 1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
What ingredients are mothers made of? 1. God makes mother out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
"I seriously laughed until I cried. I had to tone myself down so that I didn't wake up a sleeping Audrey in the next room! You have a gift for story telling!" ~ Maria from Utah, Mother of 1
Some Reviews for "Confessions of a Completely Insane Mother"
"OK, everyone, you simply must run to the closest bookstore and get Kersten's book--not just for you, but for every LDS mother you know ...I got mine in the mail today and not only am I LOVING it, but my 13 yr old daughter can't keep her hands off it. She struggles with reading, but Kersten, your book has her mesmerized. Your Confessions book, Kersten, is now on my top ten list. What an excellent job." C.S. Bezas, author of "Powerful Tips for Powerful Teachers" "Kersten Campbell is a comic genius" GG Vandagriff, author of "The Last Waltz" "This book is highly entertaining" ~ Alena Telford, reviewer for My Clean Book Reviews.com
These stories are loosely based on true events that have happened to my family...but I have used my 'Humorist's License' to stretch and exaggerate and even fictionalize for good storytelling and great fun!
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I have collected hundreds of fast easy recipes so that I have time to write and raise five children. I thought they might help all of you too!
Don't know how to rotate pictures...sorry. But here's me standing in front of my first book in the BYU Bookstore! Hooray! The reason I have that double chin is because I just finished pigging out on THREE pieces of Cheesecake at the top of the Joseph Smith Memorial Building. Ugh!
My sisters in law forcing me to stand in front of a sign with my name on it. I'm really nervous before I have to go sign books.
Me signing books next to Whitney award winner, Aubrey Mace. She is the sweetest person I have ever met! The compliment I received the most as people checked out my book was, "You don't look insane!"
